remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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