Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
