dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize