I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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