I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
