i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
