I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
