Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
