Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
