I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
