There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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