I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
