Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Randomize
