If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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