oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
