Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize