But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
