Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
