If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Randomize