non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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