Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
