I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
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