Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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