Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
