well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
