yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
