: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
