Got a toothbrush?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize