Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
