My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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