I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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