Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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