Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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