well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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