I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
