Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize