I'm jealous of your bromance
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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