I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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