grandma shit on top of the toilet
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
