So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize