I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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