how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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