my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
