He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize