Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize