Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize