It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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