I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
