I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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