I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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