Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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