And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
