What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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