thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
