its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
