Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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